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"The biggest problem we have is
not ebola, it's not AIDS, it's
electro smog" – Noel Edmonds
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POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_|06.08.15 ISSUE 749
Free email every week
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Email stories hello@popbitch.com
* Cilla Black Memorial Special
* One Direction love triangle
* Charts: 1D are No. 1
------------------------------------
>> Oh My, Sharif! <<
Playing safe with Ted Heath
Funny thing, timing. It was
eight years ago this week that
Popbitch prophet, Rev_Goatboy,
died. By sheer coincidence,
this was one of his all-time
favourite conspiracy theories:
Robert Maxwell managed to build
up his dodgy businesses in the
thanks, in part, to a manila
envelope he kept in his safe.
In that envelope? A black and
white photo of Ted Heath going
at it... with Omar Sharif.
The tale goes that the last
thing Captain Bob did before
his final voyage was have his
PA dispose of the envelope,
as his political insurance
policy would not be needed
any more.
FYI: Ted Heath was the bottom.
FYI2: Surely this is more fitting
gossip about the private life
of an ex-PM.
------------------------------------
More multilingual swearing: the
Welsh for 'dickhead' is 'cocoen',
literally in English 'lamb's cock'.
------------------------------------
>> Family jewels <<
Diamonds are a boy's bellend
Maybe you saw Lenny Kravitz's
penis this week, when his
trousers split on stage?
If you did, you'll have no
doubt noticed that Lenny has
got himself some downstairs
decorations.
His penis is pierced with a
gold hoop that is inset with
a diamond. A diamond that was
taken from a pair of his
mum's old earrings.
------------------------------------
Cockwatching with Popbitch: Shane
MacGowan's penis is supposedly nine
inches when erect (though who knows
when that last happened...)
------------------------------------
>> Big Questions <<
Who's asking what this week?
Rumours are going around that
which high-profile TV presenter
is bearing the brunt of her
entertainment industry exec's
nasty temper and controlling
ways? As we know he reads this,
he should be aware that there's
a lot of people watching to
see what happens...
************************************
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************************************
>> Inzayn <<
Wrong direction
We've been getting emails for
a while from someone who says
they know the "real story" of
One Direction.
This is what they said was
going to happen.
* Zayn would leave the band
* Zayn would stay solo on Sony
* Zayn would dump his Little
Mix fiancee when her band's
next single was successful
(it's currently no. 1)
They're three out of three
at the moment – but there was
one other claim:
* Zayn didn't leave the band
because of Perrie, drugs or
stress. It's because of Liam
and Zayn. Who hope to live
together in Zayn's Surrey
mansion.
Curious and curiouser, eh?
------------------------------------
Kim Kardashian doesn't like the
taste of coffee.
------------------------------------
>> Father figures <<
A new force in football
As the football season starts
this Saturday, we mark out one
agency as looking set for great
things - Doyen Global, which
has David Beckham's long-time
publicist Simon Oliviera at
the helm.
Doyen do seem to have identified
a rather brilliant wheeze to get
players on their books: their
dads. Calum Chambers signed
for them this summer, a few
weeks after his stepdad got a
job with Doyen, joining other
players famously repped by their
fathers like Neymar and Adnan
Januzaj. Pretty clever.
So clever, in fact, that some
of the more established agents
are getting snarky. You can
expect whispers about the
shadowy Kazakhstani business
billions said to be behind
the firm to grow louder as
the season goes on.
FYI: Last chance to join the
Popbitch Fantasy Football
League: Code 769225-189856
http://fantasy.premierleague.com
************************************
Excellent win-win offer from Coral
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League before 5pm Saturday: 6-1!
Sign up and bet 5GBP (winnings
paid as free bets and 20GBP free
bet if you lose):
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************************************
>> No deal <<
Bye bye, banker!
GOOD NEWS: It looks like the
agonisingly over-stretched
guessing game Deal Or No
Deal is not going to be
re-commissioned.
BAD NEWS: They've filmed so
many episodes already (this
year's Christmas special is
already in the can) that
Noel Edmonds' bearded arse
of a Bee Gee impersonating
face is going to be on our
TVs until 2016 at least.
************************************
***** CILLA BLACK: IN MEMORIAM *****
************************************
>> Blind hate <<
A rather fishy tale
You may have wondered – what
with all the glowing tributes
to have poured in this week –
how someone so loved by her
celebrity peers could
get so little telly work in
her later years.
One reason for it seems to be
that someone high up at ITV
blackballed each and every
attempt Cilla made to get
back on screen. Why? Because
the exec in question started
out as a runner. On Blind Date.
One early task was to fetch
Cilla some salmon sandwiches
for her and some guests. The
runner got the nicest smoked
salmon sarnies they could find.
But all they got for their
efforts was a bollocking from
Cilla in front of her guests
as she only liked tinned
salmon, not smoked.
------------------------------------
Cilla had a collection of about 300
champagne flutes – all of which she
pilfered from various green rooms
whenever she made TV appearances.
------------------------------------
>> Brotherly love <<
...but not for Cilla
You may not have heard of the
Patton Brothers, but they are
the Chuckle Brothers' brothers
– the other double act to emerge
from that generation of the
Chuckle family.
Someone who's done a fair bit
of work with the Patton Brothers
says they're consummate pros:
hard-working, mild-mannered, and
couldn't be more pleased for
their other brothers' success.
They also refuse to tell tales
or say anything snide about
anyone they've ever worked with.
Except for Cilla Black, that
is - who they described
simply as being "a cunt".
------------------------------------
Cilla appeared in panto in 2008 back
in Liverpool. She loved her old town
so much that she had a condition in
her contract that rehearsals were
to be held in London.
------------------------------------
>> Bad altitude <<
Turning the air blue
Cilla's in-flight attitude
was the stuff of legend, and
cabin crew all over the world
have been sharing their
memories of serving Cilla in
first class.
She would always demand to
sit in seat 1A, and would
never talk to a flight
attendant, issuing her many
orders solely through her PA.
One flight attendant grew
so tired of her behaviour
that he leaned over to speak
to her directly and uttered
the immortal line: "I knew
you couldn't sing, but I
didn't know you couldn't
fucking speak".
More from the Confessions Of A
Trolley Dolly Facebook group:
http://on.fb.me/1DpKODB
------------------------------------
Some years ago when Paul McCartney
experimented with a wig and some
facial "work" he got a new nickname
from his crew: "Cilla Black".
------------------------------------
************************************
***** MEMORIAM ENDS: RIP CILLA *****
************************************
>> Trigger warning <<
Making a Joly nuisance
Things are not looking promising
for the new series of Trigger
Happy TV.
Dom Joly was pestering people
in a coffee shop in Hove last
month, dressed in a 'disguise'
(a t-shirt with the slogan
Local Celebrity on it). He
accosted two customers and
accused them of trying to take
his picture. When they denied
it, he launched into full "Do
you know who I am?" mode. When
the coffee shop's owner got
involved Joly stormed out.
Sixty seconds later, a runner
came in to announce that it
was all just a big joke and
gave them all release forms
to sign, so that the footage
could be used on the show.
They refused, and made it
clear how annoyed they were
at having their morning
business meeting ruined.
------------------------------------
Not only did the Saudi King get a
St Tropez beach closed for personal
use, he had female police officers
there removed from security duty.
------------------------------------
>> Cool cats <<
Remembering Cushing and Lee
JH writes:
"In the early 90s I worked for
Hammer Films and was asked to
organise a voiceover recording
for a Hammer Films documentary.
Both Peter Cushing and Christopher
Lee had agreed to work together
one last time. Christopher Lee
had asked me to organise one
thing: a television and a VHS
player in a private room and to
have some alone time with Peter.
"After the recording, I cleared
the studio and left Peter and
Christopher alone with the TV.
They hadn't noticed that I was
still at the mixing desk so I
waited to see what they were
going to be watching. I saw
Count Dooku and Grand Moff Tarkin
sat watching Looney Tunes
cartoons - each doing perfect
impersonations of Sylvester
the Cat and Tweety Pie
– all line perfect!
"I can't remember exactly - but
I think Christopher Lee was
Tweety Pie and Peter Cushing
was Sylvester."
------------------------------------
How the Brisbane Times headlined
their report of a world-defining
70th anniversary event today:
"What the Hiroshima bomb would
have done to Brisbane".
------------------------------------
>> Hearts and mines <<
Microsoft lessons in gaming
Further to discovering that
Windows 10 had dropped the
game of Hearts, this week
we learned the reason that
Microsoft introduced games
into the earliest versions
of Windows.
Solitaire was added as a
way for users to learn the
basic functions of a mouse:
click, double-click, drag
and drop. Minesweeper would
teach right-clicking, Hearts
was added to show off the
networking capabilities, and
Freecell ran a test to see
if certain hardware was
running properly.
Microsoft never intended for
the games to stick around,
but every time they tried
to get rid of them, testers
would lose their shit and
Microsoft would reluctantly
add them back.
------------------------------------
Geri Horner (nee Halliwell) has
re-signed with Outside Organisation,
the PR team that handled Spice
Girls back in their heyday.
------------------------------------
>> Hmmms <<
Jacksons, PR, Funk
We'd guess this old chestnut
is back on the front pages:
http://bit.ly/1hl44bh
Tune of the Summer! SIGALA.
Samples the Jackson 5's ABC so
brilliantly Tito turned up in
the studio to cheer on:
http://bit.ly/1DsUKfw
Talking of the Jacksons, we went
to the Isle of Man to meet them
and watch them perform. Weird:
http://bit.ly/1KSzPC4
Investigative reporter on
Heath and political paedos:
http://timtate.co.uk/category/blog/
What happens when you sign
off emails to PRs with
'I love you':
http://bit.ly/1OSW9MO
Uptown Funk, as sung by
the movies. Genius:
http://bit.ly/1gcTFxh
Pete Waterman is the
star of a new YouTube
series about building
model railways:
http://bit.ly/1MRCIoY
"Ever the sartorialist, Dave
presents the Capital Breakfast
Show in a three-piece suit
every morning..." Dave Berry's
Wikipedia page is remarkable:
http://bit.ly/1g8RY3T
In memory of George Cole:
http://bit.ly/1DwwFnK
************************************
Thanks to: SG, kerching, SS, DF,
roger_mycock, warlord, cerealrapist,
bobbi fleckmann, bumpyknuckles
ALL, PD, D
************************************
Old Jokes' Home:
What with Bobbi Kristina Brown
and Cilla Black dying this week,
Pink is starting to shit herself.
Still Bored?
A live map monitoring people
swearing in reaction to the
tube strike:
http://tubestrike.impero.wtf/
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