*********************************
Foo Fighters play Wembley Stadium
on 19/20th June. Popbitch readers
can enjoy some of the best views
in the house from premium seats
in the Bobby Moore section.
Drinks-based hospitality packages
available from £199pp (inc VAT).
0208 795 9540 for tickets, or:
http://bit.ly/1xykzlF
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"I am a champion eater. No carb
is safe - no fat, either."
- Candice Bergen
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POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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|_| |_| 26.03.15 ISSUE 731
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Email stories hello@popbitch.com
* More madcap fundamentalism
* What does the Fox do?
* Charts: Jess Glynne to be no 1
------------------------------------
>> A new direction <<
Rapping up his career
So Zayn left One Direction
saying he wants to take a break
from the limelight and live the
life of a normal 22 year old.
Odd then that he's already
been spotted in the studio
working on a rap album with
50 Cent and supertrendy London
hip-hoppers Krept and Konan.
That said, if he really does
want some "private time out
of the spotlight", releasing
a solo rap album is probably
the best way of ensuring it.
------------------------------------
Spotify saw a 1900% spike in streams
of One Direction songs yesterday
evening after Zayn's announcement.
------------------------------------
>> CD behaviour <<
What does the Fox do?
When faded reggae star Finley
Quaye was arrested for assault
a few years back, "Dr" Neil Fox
was so outraged that he banned
all of Quaye's music from his
radio show.
Not only that, but he also took
the station's copy of Quaye's
latest CD and wiped his cock all
over it in a show of disgust.
Heaven only knows what kind
of state Dr Fox's personal CD
collection is currently in.
------------------------------------
Wayne and Coleen Rooney won the pub
quiz in the Botanist, Wilmslow last
week. They nailed the word search
and donated their prize (a bottle
of prosecco) to the runners up.
------------------------------------
>> Big Questions <<
Who's asking what this week?
The gossip in legal circles
suggests that the costs involved
in the Mirror's hacking trial
are already too high for Mirror
Group to cover. If that's true
though, how – and why – would
they be looking to buy the
Express and/or Local World?
------------------------------------
PS: Sorry if we gave you the wrong
impression about last week's Big
Question... It wasn't Kylie.
------------------------------------
>> Boom and bust <<
More madcap fundamentalism
Last week in Kabul, two male
suicide bombers set out to
blow up a religious school.
For disguise they got dressed
up in burqas and, to complete
the outfit, they added pairs
of high heels. Unfortunately
for them, they didn't practice
walking in them. The first
bomber fell over, detonated
himself and took out the other
one with him.
The school is still standing.
************************************
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Join now and get away for Easter!
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************************************
>> Time wasting <<
Stephen goes surfing
Stephen Hawking was recently
booked to be a guest speaker
at an event at the Bodleian
Library, Oxford. After
his speech, Stephen was
approached by the bigwig
in charge, who proceeded to
proudly tell the professor
about all of the important
work they do.
The bigwig couldn't see from
where he was standing but, as
he was talking, Hawking spent
the whole time surfing Right
Move on his little computer.
------------------------------------
Guy Chambers has co-written Human
Beings with hyped Scandi singer
Karin Park. It failed to be voted
in as Norway's Eurovision entry.
------------------------------------
>> Back-seat boy <<
Twats in transit, pt I
To many pop fans, it would be
a dream come true to sit next
to Nick from the Backstreet Boys
on an aeroplane. But one reader
who flew from Chicago to Miami
with him has things to report:
* He ate pistachios nuts in
"the most gross weird way ever"
(He popped them in whole, then
slurped the shells about before
spitting them back in the bag.)
* He had one episode of Sons
Of Anarchy on his MacBook which
he kept starting to watch, then
giving up, then looking at it
again, watching it for a bit
and then stopping.
* He spent the rest of the flight
using the onboard WiFi to browse
ancestry.com looking up some dude
who he then started stalking on
Twitter and Facebook for ages.
* He didn't stow his carry on
bag properly, used his phone
on final approach, and was
an armrest elbow hogger.
------------------------------------
Guardian sources say writer David
Conn is very unhappy at the paper
for giving Kelvin McKenzie a column
while he's reporting daily from the
Hillsborough Inquest.
------------------------------------
>> You're fared! <<
Twats in transit, pt II
Elsewhere in the world, someone
claiming to be Solly Akhtar
from The Apprentice was spotted
on a train to Nottingham
last week, where he spent the
entire journey arguing with the
train guard. Solly was refusing
to pay an excess on his fare -
explaining that he'd lost his
wallet and so couldn't produce
his Young Persons railcard.
He got really cross when the
guard challenged him but he
eventually appeared to relent.
Shortly after he'd paid up and
the guard had gone though, he
called his bank to demand they
withhold the payment.
------------------------------------
Nominative Determinism Of The Week:
The detective sergeant investigating
the sexual exploitation of children
in Sheffield is... Jane Fidler.
------------------------------------
>> Simon sways <<
What was he steering with?
Journalists at the Independent
have been emailing by the dozen
imploring us not to mention their
colleague Simon Calder's giant
whopper again. So we won't.
Instead we'll tell you about
something even more impressive:
his bike riding skills. Simon
was spotted earlier this week
riding his bike without holding
the handlebars, using one of his
free hands to use his phone and
the other to eat something.
------------------------------------
Big in the states: Ferret shampoo.
Ferrets are the redneck pet du jour
but they get pretty stinky if they
aren't washed regularly.
------------------------------------
>> Amsplop <<
Lord Sugar's full of shit
Adding to our ever-increasing
list of corporate memos about
employee shitting habits, an
email was sent around Alan
Sugar's property company
Amsprop last week about
"ongoing toilet issues".
After an investigation was
carried out, they discovered
that the 'economy' flushing
setting of their loos is
failing to flush the more
substantial... efforts.
Very politely, the author
signed off saying "I appreciate
it's not the nicest subject to
approach, but could you please
ask your colleagues to ensure
that they fully flush the toilets
each time they are used."
Other company toilet memos:
http://bit.ly/1wli1J7
------------------------------------
Don't compliment William Shatner on
his role in Boston Legal unless you
want to hear him whine on about how
he had "too many lines to learn".
------------------------------------
>> Hmmms <<
Ronnie, rabbits, tortoise sex
Lostprophets tribute act
looking for an Ian Watkins:
http://bit.ly/1Nchvou
Looks like our Sky sources
were right about Clarkson:
http://bit.ly/1D1lXoJ
Man interrupts two tortoises
boning; the male tortoise
tries to chase him down:
http://bit.ly/1D1mmaP
Qatar has released a
handbook of traffic
signs - in braille:
http://bit.ly/1E3ZCGU
Pam St Clement on drums,
Steve McFadden on synths,
Dale Winton dancing:
http://bit.ly/1bx8dpo
London Zoo has just welcomed
some new lemurs. They've got
a sunbathing platform too:
http://bit.ly/1IyJwDZ
For all Ronnie O'Sullivan
devotees:
http://nyr.kr/1M3YtDA
Gary Neville's excellent
piece linking England's
lack of super agents with
the premier league's decline:
http://bit.ly/1EXvydL
************************************
Thanks: K, ourmaninkabul, JB, PD,
meow, D, K, minky_chunky, S, JBB,
pauline, thebestnameshavegone, JC
drunen_boht, SA, AP, DGC
************************************
Old Jokes Home:
My dog got kicked out of her
poetry group. Apparently her
bark ode didn't scan.
Still Bored?
Melbourne's Immigration Museum is
becoming increasingly accurate:
http://bit.ly/1CdfDH9
===============================
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