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"If you ain't got a strip club
at home, you ain't a true cricket
player" - Chris Gale
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POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_|17.09.15 ISSUE 754
Free email every week
Subscribe http://eepurl.com/XSZoP
Email stories hello@popbitch.com
* Les Dennis, menaced
* Ross Kemp's seduction style
* Charts: Sigala v Bieber for no 1
------------------------------------
>> Missy world <<
Rapper's Delight(ful)
Missy Elliot was the star turn
at last weekend's Bestival.
Huge US stars don't exactly
have the best reputation when
coming over to do live shows
in the UK, so how much of a
pain in the arse was Missy?
Entirely arse-pain free, it
turns out. She turned up on
site for her soundcheck in
person and on time - at 9am.
She ran through everything,
diligently, making sure it
was all perfect, and was
extremely polite to everyone
involved. Come on, Missy,
you're letting the side down.
------------------------------------
George Galloway only wears
D&G or Calvin Klein underpants.
------------------------------------
>> Gang bang <<
Celebrity seduction
Just after Ross Kemp split up
with Rebekah Wade, one
lady thought she'd got the
chance to experience Kemp's
full-on celebrity seduction
technique. After meeting the
actor one night she thought
she'd got lucky when he
invited her back to his.
After arriving he suggested
she settle herself on the
sofa, and then left the room.
He came back into the room
with a DVD. What exciting,
sensual movie had he picked
for them to watch?
A preview screener of the
first three episodes of the
then-forthcoming Ross Kemp
on Gangs series.
------------------------------------
Legal wags have wasted no time in
giving LinkedIn flirter Alexander
Carter-Silk a new nickname. He's
now "Alex Carter-Smut".
------------------------------------
>> Big Questions <<
Who's asking what this week?
Which Strictly Come Dancing
star had a lucky escape a few
years back? One Sunday paper
discovered they were having an
affair – but backed off when
they realised that the person
she was banging was an
important political bodyguard,
and the paper didn't much fancy
having Special Branch breathing
down their necks.
And how did the paper find
this all out in the first
place? By listening to her
voicemails, of course!
------------------------------------
Nominative determinism of the week:
Joining Pets at Home as a Trading
Director? Lisa Miao.
------------------------------------
>> Trash talk <<
It's time to comment
Comments sections get a hard
time on the internet. All too
often they can read like the
minutes from a hate rally where
everyone was given a microphone.
But, weirdly, ever since Jeremy
Corbyn became Labour leader,
we've had cause to change our
minds on the value of comments
sections.
Why? It's a long story (and
we had to manually count all
of the words written below the
line on an article about Ola
Jordan's boobs in order to find
the answer) but we're happy to
explain it.
See more:
http://bit.ly/1MdYUbk
************************************
Issue 18 of Popbitch Magazine – "My
Cool Crack Bender" – is out NOW.
A whole new selection of stories,
gossip and pop culture weirdness
for your smartphone or tablet.
* Zac Efron: a new Malcolm Gladwell?
* A history lesson in rib-removal!
* Crack-smokers, Canadian maniacs,
celebrity court reports and all
sorts of other stuff...
iPhone/iPad: http://bit.ly/1bexc8Y
Android: http://bit.ly/1vvdK7H
************************************
>> Dennis, menaced <<
Time for Yew to move
Les Dennis is enjoying a bit
of a well-deserved resurgence
in Coronation Street at the
minute. He's also enjoying
having moved to Cheshire from
his previous home in Highgate
because it's a more relaxed
lifestyle than in London.
"I'm looking forward to less
stress", he said at the time.
What could have been causing
Les such stress? Well, just
before the Dennis family moved
up north, his neighbour thought
it might be funny, as a joke,
to change the name of their
household WiFi network...
...to "Operation Yewtree".
------------------------------------
Congratulations to the cover star
of this month's Popbitch magazine,
Paul Danan, who welcomes his son
to the world... DeNiro Danan.
------------------------------------
>> Major similarity <<
A vinegar stroke of genius
Last week we said Ricky Gervais
gave someone life-changingly
good advice in a chip shop,
telling our reader to always
put the vinegar on first.
Another vocal advocate of the
vinegar-first method? Ex-PM
John Major.
"John Major met his first love,
Jean Kiernans, on the doorstep
when he was out canvassing for
the YCs [Young Conservatives].
They courted at country dances
in church halls, and afterwards
over fish and chips suppers.
'John taught me always to put
the vinegar on first,' remembers
Mrs Kiernans. "Otherwise you
washed the salt away."
Link:
http://ind.pn/1P2jmwu
------------------------------------
Gary Rhodes' Dubai cinema food
venture is called thEATre.
With that ludicrous styling.
------------------------------------
>> Is it worth it? <<
Celebrity interviews
So many celebrity interviews
can end up sounding staged or
rehearsed – like the star is
always speaking on behalf of
a brand or a sponsor – but not
Dame Helen Mirren. No, no, no.
The profile of her in the Mail
On Sunday was totally normal.
Take, for example, this off-
the-cuff remark: "Yesterday,
I whacked on L'Oréal Paris
Excellence Age Perfect Hair
Colour in Light Beige Blonde
[shade 9.31] for 25 minutes,
then washed it off – job done."
Or: "I love cleansers and
body creams that make me
feel clean and fresh, but
my absolute favourite is
L'Oréal Paris Age Perfect
Classic Night Cream".
Maybe L'Oreal should try to
snap her up as a celebrity
spokesperson? Oh, what's that
you say? She already is one?
Well, fancy that!
http://dailym.ai/1KiyuVg
------------------------------------
Gail Porter, after eviction from
Celebrity Big Brother, "That was
the worst situation I've ever been
in - and I've been sectioned!"
------------------------------------
>> Small fry <<
More celebrity chip chat
thadogg writes:
"I was at the Wall of Sound
Christmas party at a hotel
near Liverpool street several
years back. At the bar I was
having a gak-fuelled discussion
with a mate about making chips
- and turned round to find a
little chap with a Bristolian
accent. I engaged him in the
conversation. The debate centred
around the optimum number of
times to deep-fry 'chunky
pomme frites' to get a strong
crunch to compliment a good
steak au poivre. We settled
on three.
"It was Banksy."
------------------------------------
The New Forest is the only place in
the UK where pigs are still released
into the woods for pannage (foraging
for acorns, beechmast, chestnuts).
------------------------------------
>> An early take <<
Kygo takes on Madonna
A couple of weeks ago, we
suggested you check out
Norwegian DJ Kygo's remix
of Take On Me.
But where on earth could he
have got the idea to turn a
80s synth-pop classic into a
Club Med poolside disco summer
holiday hit? It couldn't have
been inspired by Madonna's
attempt at a comedy version
of it in 1985, could it?
Could it...?
http://bit.ly/1hYWT8o
------------------------------------
Demi Lovato: "I like mugs. They're
very comfortable in your hand and
they hold hot things that you
don't have to touch."
------------------------------------
>> Oh balls <<
Twisting his melons
Tyrone Bowd, an autistic 25
year old Australian, has a
12-pound scrotum which has
"swelled from the size of
a mango to the size of a
watermelon... [which] bangs
around his calves when he's
trying to walk". Tyrone's
family is currently raising
money for treatment in the US.
Long time readers may remember
Chad Wegkamp from back in 2001.
A paranoid schizophrenic, Chad
became obsessed that his
testicles were too big and
that he needed an operation
to reduce them. After trying
(and failing) to print his own
banknotes, he ended up robbing
a bank – and got a horrific 35
year prison sentence for it.
For the love of Chad,
we should help Tyrone:
http://on.fb.me/1MsyIwA
************************************
Jon Holmes (the man replaced by
Chris Moyles at XFM breakfast show)
has a new book out. Seeing as we
no doubt spoiled his Thursday
back in April with that story
here's a nicer mention - you
can buy A Portrait Of An
Idiot As A Young Man here:
http://amzn.to/1KoubEK
************************************
>> Hmmms <<
Crabs, cats, Clarkson
Paint with Trump:
http://paintwithdonaldtrump.com/
Crabs with cigarettes:
http://bit.ly/1LA07XK
Farewell Tony Abbott, you
onion-munching weirdo:
http://bit.ly/1P2jNql
The Jeremy Clarkson fracas
hotel is up for sale - for
less than a million:
http://bit.ly/1KTkuVn
Speaking of which, Jeremy
Clarkson now earns roughly
nines time more than Floyd
Mayweather, per punch:
http://bit.ly/1NFDqYa
New Yorker on Corbyn:
http://nyr.kr/1P2jWds
A very determined kitty:
http://imgur.com/zekqvZI
The True Detective credits,
redone with GTA V:
http://bit.ly/1P2DVIY
Could Gareth and David Brent
be reunited? Mackenzie Crook
talks about it:
http://bit.ly/1iRgJTX
************************************
Thanks to: satanprinceofdarkness,
thegingerprince, deepstoat, Anon
DL, WM, JD, theabominablehoman,
meow, AM
************************************
Old @Corbynjokes Home:
Q: Why did the socialist
win the race?
A: He was the quickest
on his Marx.
Still Bored?
Interesting data on people's Ashley
Madison passwords. 3,058 bigdicks,
5,052 assholes... and 11.7 million
bellends:
http://bit.ly/1F42HIX
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